||[Apr. 18th, 2004|09:25 am]
|||||Goodbye to You - Michelle Branch||]|
No, really, I am trying not to be so distant. I mean...you've at least seen me long enough for me to disappear right? That's a step up from what I normally do.
See, this is going to sound whiny and annoying, and it's what I was hoping to avoid, but then it was pointed out to me that I ain't been explaining myself real well to everyone lately and it's making people talk. So, I figured I'd offer some sort of explanation for the moods and the hot cold feeling.
A friend once told me, "The lowest form of depression is not when you want to die, it's when you no longer care if you live or die." That confused me. But then, when he said it, I was at that happy place I get. Where everything just seems to be working out perfectly. Yeah, I remembered not always feeling that way, but it didn't matter right then. I was happy and that's all there was to it. Well, then I sunk back down into "apathy" as I refer to it. Suddenly made alot more sense to me. I know my mood swings perfectly. I know I'm a very high-low person and that if I ever was examined I'd be bi-polar or other mental diseases that they'd want to feed me drugs for. I don't want the drugs. I don't approve of most drugs. *shrugs* It's a thing of mine. My friend could show you a bit better why "drugs" are bad, but then you'd bring up past nightmares for him too. Lets just say there are many things out there worse than physical molestation of a child.
But this is straying from the point, lets jump back on shall we? I've known for awhile now that I was to "content", to "happy" even. I knew that I've done better this time than I have for a long while. I held that "content" feeling for over a year this time. But in knowing that, I also knew that I would be falling soon. I knew that eventually the "apathy" portion of life would come back to me and I'd be forcing myself to not slip out of humanity completely again.
It's not that I -want- to stop talking to people really. It's not even the claim I call myself of "hermit". It's just that I cannot interact without it being akward and hurting people. My speach is shorter, I'm more blunt than I normally am, I seem like I'm royally pissed or extreemly depressed. I'm not sure which is harder to explain to my friends, online or off. Online when I get this way, you see a subtle change in how I type while in conversations. Maybe the words are shorter, or the meaning more blunt. The answers are given in short order. Avoiding speaking or getting involved with anything new. I try to warn people so that they don't think I just don't want them around, but it's difficult to really explain. Real life is worse, but I'm not going to into all I have to fight to remind myself -not- to do.
So, here lies the problem. I -need- to be able to explain myself and not hurt anyone here. But I think I'm failing at it. I'm not sure what effect this will have on the site. Not because I don't plan on being there. No, I love the site still, I'm still getting things done there, even if it is behind the scenes for now. I just don't know what it will do to the staff. All of you. Part of what makes us the site what it is, is how we stick together through things. And with that thought in my mind, I realized that I haven't been explaining things real well to you all. Erik knows me, he's known how to take my odd moods for awhile now, but I sometimes forget that new people won't always see it the same way. Anyways, ask... about anything. I answer all questions put before me...eventually. Only a few that take me awhile to build up the courage for.
All that aside, it's time to focus on the more pleasant things in life. I am trying to keep things normal, although my efforts are sometimes rather pathetic. *grins* This is the perfect time for fanfiction...not alot of interaction with myself when I'm fanfic readin. Which reminds me.....
Glo! Have you finished MoM yet? I want at least one person to say it's nifty neatness that I recommented to read it. Since Erik, lazy bastard that he is, will never read the thing.